Tides of void and purpose

Those days came when I felt lost and tied 

in those rooms that once were my dream

I spent sleepless nights looking for

something where I could write my name on

while the search in itself became

haunting

the desperate grip of void took me deeper

to that daunting stream 

of accusing self reflection 

look how much 

you've already got

and you dare to ask for more

that cold voice was like a grip

taking me to a spiral of self doubt

is nothing ever good enough for

your endlessly selfish soul

that whisper echoed in the dead of night

I shivered and hid

how ungracious I was

a wife and a mom

with no eyes for what I had

yet I felt there was more

that I reached for stumbling in the dark

that heavy tide of void took me

to the shores of restless pursuits

if I did this how would I feel

if I was this would it ever be enough

or was it even about that

I stumbled upon the question

who I really was and always knew becoming

realizing the fear of being selfish

flowing out of the one or the other

beliefs of me not being enough

or not deserving to be deeply known

in that silent way of surrender

I finally let go of what I thought I needed

embracing that little girls eyes 

who I once was

she saw and believed

what was already hidden in me

she was brave enough to dare

to question the questioning

to just be

and to be known

I gave in to the tide of

purpose

not in the form of performance 

but of posture

receiving

and giving

open handed

like a child

growth where vulnerability with myself

was the cornerstone

being the present child

I had been created to be

to be held

to be known

to be called by my name

nobody else knows