Beauty that's worth it

Do you know the feeling, when everything depends on you?

I've sailed through the past half a week all by myself. As my responsibility I've felt the weight of kids, their new school routines, a bit of a complicated new home, new work and all that. I've done great. I could even fill the water tank in the car today to be able to wash the windshields tomorrow on the slushy roads.

But I noticed how I was a bit more on top of things all the time, I knew what the time was, I even took out the car info leaflet to study how to open the front part. 

But what was deep down, surprised me the most. That feeling of "this all depends on me". When there is no substitute. No extra route. No spare tire. No plan B. I felt the weight of there being only me. And it made me very serious. Super focused. (Until the piglet birth videos I watched with my kids for fun tonight, I admit)

And when it was time to go to bed, I saw my ongoing process lying on the bed. My planner, that I was filling with some new insight and deeper vision. And I thought of that specific setup from a new perspective.

Instead of focusing on the lack, which I felt so deeply inside me when there was only me spinning the home-school-work wheel, I chose another view. I started looking at my unfinished planner with a pair of curious eyes. Instead of the guilt I had been carrying around, about the super slow progress.

After I surprised myself by filling the windshield liquid tank in the car and being so organized with our daily life, I thought about it. What if there was another level of me, that was just waiting for me to get sick and tired of my excuses.

What if she was eager inside me, waiting for her turn to show up and change the game. That woman, who was made of steel, light as a feather while strong as a weapon.

What would happen if she would get loose. What would it take? And was I leaning on my best reasons - my family - as an excuse while I had the answer all this time in front of me.

Our minds are genius. They know how to trick us out of the biggest trouble. They love to lead us down the safest road. Yet, what if I am here to travel the unknown, search the nooks and hike the nameless mountains.

What will happen when we realize, that it all depends on us and that this is our strongest armor, no matter what. You and I as women were made for hard things. And we have the ability to bring unlimited beauty out of that spot, we thought we wanted to avoid, yet we fell in love with. As soon as we opened our eyes for it's raw beauty.

In the pressure, where the diamonds are made. In those early mornings, while everyone sleeps. Through the deepest night, where no one sees a thing, yet you hear a thousand whispers. Echoes of the tomorrows you're building, while you kiss goodnight for this day.

You found yourself along the way. Eventually you came to see, you had it all within you, hidden for a time like this. 

Hugs,

Pia

I'm throwing in a flash back picture from the day before we moved our family back to Finland from Uruguay * long term *.