the dream, the fear and a bag of candy

 

If you find yourself doing something really brave and battling with fear this story is for you.

One month ago I sat in my garden and was filming for hours. My dream of creating a digital course was a brand new one. And it really awakened my fear battles. 

Some time ago I had come to a deep dive realization of what the real name of my fear was. And ever since that moment I want to create a video series to encourage other dreamers when they are making their dream a reality while battling with their fear.

After I had filmed all the videos. I took a two weeks pause for Summer vacation. I knew I had worked hard and wrestled through my own fears, taking a huge leap. Yet it took me two more weeks, amounting to one whole months’ break before I had gathered enough courage to go through my videos before releasing them out in the open.

I knew I needed to edit them before I could upload them to the final platform. And I had several times thought about starting this process but I chickened out time after time. Then I realized finally how much I had wasted time for procrastination.

I came up with this idea. Maybe I was inspired by the lollipops I had recently bought. It was my attempt to make long walks with our dog more intriguing for our teens. My leg injury was still limiting my role to 5 AM morning strolls with Nala using our electric scooter.

So I decided to bribe myself with candy. Yeah I know this probably sounds really silly and I agree 100%. But silly is my magic word oftentimes when I'm working around my fears and finding ways to combat them. 

As a backstory I have a critical sweet tooth. Especially now after the summer vacation I just feel it in my body that I need that sugar. While I'm getting back to my lifestyle change avoiding harsh sugar this thought came to me. 

I still have my cheat day once a week and I am allowed to eat a bag of candy during that day. Because I know that any bigger change is not going to last if I make two strict boundaries that I need to keep all the time. 

So I went yesterday to buy a huge bag of candy. It cost over 5€ it was almost half a kilo. If you didn't know it's super expensive to buy candy in Finland because of the tax that is added for this kind of sweets. But it was still a big bag. 

And you know what happened? I immediately started to edit my videos! It was already quite late but I was able to edit 6 full videos adding captions and making the beginning and the end of the videos smoother with the transitions.

And I'm telling this to you as a reminder that you are allowed to know yourself. To know your strengths and your weaknesses. And you are allowed to use your so-called weaknesses as your benefit when you find a way to go past through your fear. It might look silly. But in the end, who cares, right? 

What matters is that you are being honest with yourself. You're telling yourself that “I'm really afraid of this” and yet you're finding a way how to make it easier for you to take that tiny step. And then you find yourself taking more steps and finally who knows where you find yourself. <3

You’ve got this!

Love,

Pia

baby sparrow

I was like a tiny sparrow. newly hatched and too early stumbled out of the nest. helpless, I lay in the ashes, spreading my little wings. with my small voice I called for help, but it never came. defenseless, in the middle of a dangerous, too-windy world. alone.

but you came to me and lifted me out of my ashes. into my despair reached your gentle hand, and you began to care for me. in my orphanhood, you became a father to me. I bonded to you and recognized your voice from far away. our relationship became close and tender. you carried me, flightless, in the shelter of your palm, to places I could never have dreamed of.

then the day came when I grew and learned to fly on my own. I spread my wings and felt the power of the wind beneath me. in the strength I felt, as time went on, I forgot. I forgot that I had been lifted out of the ashes. I puffed out my chest feathers proudly and was pleased with myself. how well I had managed! and why not others too, since I had done it. it was their own fault if they lay in their ashes.

one evening, you took me to the far edge of that abandoned garden. you brushed away the fallen leaves and revealed beneath them my ash-nest. the pain returned to my chest and burned deep inside me. I remembered what it was like to be helpless, just gasping for breath. when no one heard my cry.

you touched my heart deeply in that moment. my heart, swollen with pride, was humbled, and I fell to my knees in the ashes. I wept tears of great joy and deep sorrow. I remembered again what it was like when I ate ashes like bread and mixed my drink with tears.

with gratitude, I looked back on the path behind me, your hand’s shelter over my life. would you help me, so that I too could stretch out my wings over another who has fallen into the ashes. I long for my heart to be as gentle and wide as yours.

love,

Pia

Be kind and rest

This Summer was different. My vacation started and I still had some personal goals I wanted to achieve while on my time off. So I kept working with my own stuff. I wrote scripts. While watching the kids swimming at the beach. I filmed a course. While hearing my family on their Summer activities, jumping on the trampoline, throwing the darts. And yet I knew this was such meaningful work for me to do. So I did it. 

But when I had filmed my course, I sat on the beach with my dear sister-in-law. They had come to visit and the kids were enjoying swimming. And while we were discussing I realized that I was harder on myself than I even realized. I had used half of my vacation for creating the scripts and filming and I still wasn't planning on giving myself vacation from the content creation work I work with in my free time.

While sitting on that beach I could feel my body carrying the weight and pressure of the past year. I could sense how my nervous system was stretched and wanted to relax so I could experience a full on reset. So I made the decision. And told to my sister-in-law that I had just decided to give myself a few weeks full vacation and time off from all of my work.

That decision caused my whole body to relax in a way that I felt it all the way in my nervous system. I was able to be present for resting in ways that my family had been doing already for the past few weeks. I found my real rest mode. No agendas. No task lists. Just me and the Summer and the people around me that mattered the most. And now coming back from my vacation, I can tell you the difference that made. The real reset happened and I feel rested and peaceful to my core.

I’m sharing this hoping it inspires you to listen to your body. It holds special wisdom that affects your well-being profoundly. How are you being kind to yourself and finding rest in the season you're in? 

Love,

Pia

dance of the sun

Unyielding inspiration springs from the deepest meanings within.

It doesn’t wither away, not even in the harshest conditions.

It clings to life.

When a merciless winter freezes everything,

it hides so deep

it survives.

It’s never truly forgotten, even if hidden for years.

It reminds you of its presence.

Lifts its head now and then and asks:

Is it time yet?

It goes by many names.

Some call it a calling, others a gift.

It’s more than just a hobby.

You think about it all year long - maybe every day.

You dream about it.

It’s there in the crisp morning, before anything else comes to mind.

One person might call it passion.

Another, necessity.

Out of everything else - this, I will not give up.

It’s a beautiful thing if it can be shared with your dearest ones.

If they get excited because it excites you.

Or even carry it in their own hearts too.

One way or another, they understand:

this is a permanent part of who you are.

They make space for it, by making space for you.

They cheer it on, because they cheer for you.

Maybe without even knowing it they sense how big it truly is.

That what they’ve seen so far is just the tip of the iceberg.

The rest is still hidden.

And they want to see more.

Not for it, necessarily.

But for what they see it doing to you.

That spark in your eyes.

Maybe a few flyaway hairs.

A healthy flush on your cheeks.

The life-force rushing wild in your veins and radiating outward.

No words needed.

Like the sun itself is dancing on your forehead.

Love,

Pia

Do you have a version of yourself you miss?

Have you ever had a routine that made you come alive and then you just forgot it?

This happened to me with my three core words. 

If you’ve experienced something similar, you most likely know the feeling too.

Feeling of losing something valuable that you suddenly remembered you once had.

I learned from my coach at the time, Brendon Burchard, about three core words. 

I had chosen three meaningful core words for myself back in the day we lived in Uruguay.

I reminded myself actively about them, how they challenged me in a good way to show up as my best self.

I had several moments, when my usual decision would have killed something fun, spontaneous and unforgettable with my family.

But because of my three core words I chose differently.

I leaned into the authenticity of the person who I wanted to show up as.

And my family noticed.

They saw how I came alive in those moments.

They were there when I showed up as my playful relaxed self.

They remembered when I chose to play.

And then something happened and I forgot to carry with me those words.

It might have been a big change.

Or even just a small meaningful shift that took my focus elsewhere.

I don't clearly remember.

But the one thing why I want to share this with you is this.

I wish I had someone telling me this years back.

It is okay to forget, remember, and start again.

Deep down, it does not mean failure.

Deep down, it means you value something so much that you can go through the feeling of regret.

And find yourself on the other side.

The question is, are you willing to feel it?

The sadness it might bring when you may ponder upon moments you lost, because you forgot.

You never know how it might enrich your life without being brave enough to feel regret.

But you and I don't need to be left second guessing when we just dive right in. 

Let the emotions flood in.

And find what's on the other side.

Love,

Pia

mosaic

the scar tissue of the soul affects everything I do in the background.

but what if I decide not to be ashamed of it?

of being, in some ways, incomplete.

I’ve been broken and put back together again.

wounded in ways that have healed over time – but left their marks.

what if I see them as part of me?

what if I treasure everything I’ve been through as my greatest teacher?

because of all of it, I am who I am.

one of a kind.

I carry supplies in my basket that others don’t even know exist.

I gathered them through the hardships I’ve endured.

they are like medals pinned to my chest – signs of battles survived.

because I am a victor – I’ve come out of war alive.

sometimes the scar tissue aches more.

other times, I forget it even exists.

but it would be a lie to say it isn’t there.

and that would be sad.

it wouldn’t help anyone.

I’d only be pretending – trying to look like someone I’m not.

I’d be denying parts of the road I’ve walked.

and in doing that, I’d be tossing aside the treasures I gathered along the way –

the understanding of human brokenness,

the aching of being alive,

and the hidden mercy and beauty within all that pain.

the healing that flows from the embrace of eternal love.

a beautiful mosaic made from broken pieces might just be

the best thing to scatter little sparks of hope

into the cracks of those who are shattered and desperate.

wounds leave their marks,

but as long as there is life, there is hope – even in the ashes.

when the fire that devoured everything finally goes out,

the ashes can still nourish something breathtakingly new.

so with a faint smile, I gently stroke the aching scar.

you are beautiful,

I whisper to it softly.

love,

pia

you’re not spiraling: your body is speaking

 

have you ever felt the whole day spin before 9am?

like something tiny set you off,

but now you’re snappy to yourself in your mind, feel exhausted, find yourself scrolling, or shutting down?

here's a gentle toolkit to help you catch the signs sooner.

because your trauma response isn’t random - it’s a signal.

and when you learn to recognize it early,

you can shift before the spiral.

I write this as a love letter to your nervous system:

the signs, the pause, the power you have to choose something new.

my story

I remember the feeling of my throat shutting down

I woke up late for the first day of school

it was the beginning of fifth grade

in a brand new school

that moment I was my own greatest bully

when I waited there, 

after being led to the new classroom

by the teacher's desk

other students told me afterwards

how calm I looked

but boy if they would have seen

in the inside 🚨 

that nervous cramping in my stomach 

while I was leading the scout girls team

my mind was such a hostile place

and when something happened that I froze

someone was unkind to my little sister 

who had her special needs challenges but just wanted to be part of the team

it felt so lonely and isolated

my whole world was spiraling

those days when I stayed silent 

in the loud youth crowd

felt myself different

awkward and someone nothing to say

I carried that stigma of poverty

fear was shutting me down emotionally

so often that feeling came that 

I didn't belong

I changed school again

being closer to my extended family made me feel safer inside

like I belonged in there 

even if I froze in the cafeteria

among the crowd of teens

in my grandparents place I felt 

all was good

grandma told me to take a nap

when the overwhelm of homework hit

and I did

and I felt better

the pressure of my hostile mind 

when I found myself spiraling

and the pressure from the outside

were together sometimes 

too much to bare

and I cried 

that ugly cry 

when your eyes are swollen shut afterwards when you wake up 

the next morning

but what I learned along the years

was that in those moments 

especially

I was being held

that the pressure I put on 

my own shoulders

that hostile mind jargon I listened

coming from my broken self-image

was just words

they were echoing in my own mind

and that made them feel like they were

true

which they weren't 

I was allowing myself to be 

my own biggest bully

and when I realized that

and saw myself being held

in those moments

I started to shift 

this shift in what I did 

is what I’m sharing with you today

because this changed everything

I still get those moments

when I don't feel safe

and my mind starts the bullying drama

and when I feel like the outward world

is threatening my very being

then I go to this place in my mind

I take my body to this safe moment 

I catch the hostile flame early

and I blow out that toxic candle 

before it becomes a torch 

that spirals me with it's fumes

gentle steps to reclaim your day, this is what I do.

1. notice the whisper, not just the scream 🌬️

when the first cue of the hostile waves of emotions and thoughts is approaching

and my inner alarm goes off 🚨 

I go to this place in my mind

I remind myself that what's happening inside of me is not necessarily truth

about me

I take myself to this circle of adoption

it's this place where I stood in 2009

while I was in Hawaii

I felt like I was being adopted 

in my very being

from that orphan hostile place I held for

myself in my mind

to this belonging where 

I was being embraced 

with all in me

and I was being held 

and when those first waves 

start building up

I remind myself that what is true

is that I am adopted in love

and then when the toxic hostility tries to

build up and crash against me

I realize

it's just noise

and I can choose to let it roar

but not to be 

swept away with it

like it was the truth about me

who I am deep down

it's just my nervous system 

being loaded up

too tight

a moment when something triggering

got the mental system overloaded

and my mind went spiraling down and attacked me

2. respond with softness, not survival 🍵

I take my body to this safe moment

depending on where I am

when the first cues arise 

of the hostility in the horizon

when I notice in my body

the signs

that something alarming is happening 

if I’m at home

I take a nap

or curl up in the sofa with a soft blanket

or I make a cup of tea

I hold it in my hands

and remind myself of 

what is true is the warmth 

I feel in my hands

it reminds me

that I am safe

I breathe

if the waves crash in on me

with a stronger force in the beginning

I might add some essential oil

that reminds me of calm

I take a little walk

preferably in my garden

it always grounds me

back to safety

3. choose safety before the spiral

I catch the hostile flame early

I won't allow it to grow so strong anymore

without standing up for myself 

I read my body and notice early

when my breathing becomes shallow

my stomach cramps

my shoulders tighten

I’m realizing that something

within me fights myself

and I won't allow that bullying in

full force anymore so easily

when I notice the early signs 

I go to my safety toolkit

and I blow out the toxicity 

before it convinces me

that what's going on inside of me

would be the truth

I choose to find safety

before my inner world blows up 

in the spiral

I’m actively involved in putting out the fire 

and when it's early on

it's becoming easier

as part of my daily routine

my inner voice becomes gentler

it's like there's this gentle mother

at home inside of me 

who helps the tantrum bully girl 

to calm down her rage

the older and wiser me

who knows I’m being held

and the afraid young one of me

who listens to all the echoes

and nasty whispers 

that were meant to be blown out

with the wind 🌬️ 

🛟 fill in your safety toolkit:

what is your calming thought?

mine: I’m adopted in love

what is your calming action?

mine: nap / a cup of tea / garden tour

what is your early body cue?

mine: shallow breathing / stomach knot / shoulders tighten

having your toolkit ready is 

the sweetest thing

of loving yourself tangibly

that you can do 

Love,

Pia