Tides of void and purpose

Those days came when I felt lost and tied 

in those rooms that once were my dream

I spent sleepless nights looking for

something where I could write my name on

while the search in itself became

haunting

the desperate grip of void took me deeper

to that daunting stream 

of accusing self reflection 

look how much 

you've already got

and you dare to ask for more

that cold voice was like a grip

taking me to a spiral of self doubt

is nothing ever good enough for

your endlessly selfish soul

that whisper echoed in the dead of night

I shivered and hid

how ungracious I was

a wife and a mom

with no eyes for what I had

yet I felt there was more

that I reached for stumbling in the dark

that heavy tide of void took me

to the shores of restless pursuits

if I did this how would I feel

if I was this would it ever be enough

or was it even about that

I stumbled upon the question

who I really was and always knew becoming

realizing the fear of being selfish

flowing out of the one or the other

beliefs of me not being enough

or not deserving to be deeply known

in that silent way of surrender

I finally let go of what I thought I needed

embracing that little girls eyes 

who I once was

she saw and believed

what was already hidden in me

she was brave enough to dare

to question the questioning

to just be

and to be known

I gave in to the tide of

purpose

not in the form of performance 

but of posture

receiving

and giving

open handed

like a child

growth where vulnerability with myself

was the cornerstone

being the present child

I had been created to be

to be held

to be known

to be called by my name

nobody else knows

How far, dear

If someone had just told this little shy teenage girl that.

When she wore those broken zipper jeans and was paralyzed by her insecurities.

That one day she would be grown out of that broken shell around her.

Grown out of those lies whispering to her.

That one day she would have a beautiful family like this.

She would be learning daily how to love and appreciate herself.

And that her deep fragile dreams of going abroad had become true.

That she would be actually living abroad.

I have no clue how she might have reacted.

And today, as that girl is my past, I am reminding myself about this one thing.

That today there is no limit how I can lean on to my future self.

There is no limitation, if I give myself permission to believe.

That there's more.

More self love and deep inner acceptance available.

That there's that leap ahead of me, what it took to get me here.

Relying on others' kindness.

That's what it took.

That they could speak truth to my life and how I saw myself.

And I could believe, glimpse by glimpse.

Today when you look at yourself, it's easy to take everything for granted.

Or to minimize the depth of what growth and healing you've already been through this far.

But go back to that little girl you once were.

And let yourself to see yourself with her eyes.

How far you've already come.

That's today's reminder is, where you can still be going.

Out of that thankful heart today, those mind's narrow limitations can alter.

And you can see glimpses through the veil.

Who are you becoming, sweet dear?

Who, truly. 💕

Hugs,

Pia

The winding path

The fight in my head and pain in my heart are equally paralyzing. 

Have you found that narrow winding path that takes you to that place of peace where you just feel good about yourself.

Where you feel the deep pleasure of being fully loved and seen as you are.

When your inner hunger of love is fed and you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "you're so loved, sweetie" and you know it deeply in every cell.

I have found some features for that winding path.

On the edge of the cliffs of silence and the waves of quiet crashing into your soul, that stands alone and bare.

The posture of held out open fragile hands and widely spread weary arms.

That humble open mind that says "here I am, waiting" and that heart full of yearning to be seen, as broken and bruised and as beautiful at the same time.

I am seeking that path in the dead of night.

When the starry skies are just a dream and the thunder rumbles on the far.

Seeking I stand and know, the search is not so much about finding but about being found.

And the beauty flows out of the hunger itself.

Desire to connect, to fully love while being held.

P.S. Photo credit to my beautiful friend Katia 💕

The search

How does true success look like for you today?

The answer, how I see it, is not found in numbers.

Nor in the dead materia in any form.

Or outward perceptions of any man.

It lies in the heart.

And where it can be found, is not in the cloud of blind ambition.

Greed of any form does not contain it.

Deep down in that part where your deepest self is found with no veil, it stands alone.

It's surrounded by the mist of calm presence.

Held closely by the pleasure of being seen as it is, with no disguise.

Its name is hard to spell and its form is abstract to understand.

But in the dead of the night, you know it's there.

It's a different kind of hunger, the nurturing kind in itself.

And if you try to feed it with anything that vanishes away like a wind, it turns away.

When you're looking for your answer, please be kind to yourself.

No unbreathing letter will introduce you to that raw unveiled presence.

But through your journey of unveiling your soul…

…the washing of your face in the purest form of beautiful abandonment…

…you'll enter that space where you see through a mirror, the essence of that success.

As you come to this world bringing nothing but yourself, within yourself you hear those echoes of eternal sound.

Calling your name, beautiful.

Journey through valleys of fear

If I wrote a book about the whole story of my life, it's main theme would be this. Combating fear. When I grew up, a few of my fear giants were the driver's license test and the matriculation examination week, ha. Once those were behind me I've successfully found new fears to pursue. Have you noticed how you relate to fear? My response is often the feeling of being paralyzed mentally, I withdraw and start doing things that make me feel safe. And those things are mostly not helpful. Think of eating junk food, staying up late watching something random, limiting my social contacts and so on. 

Throughout the years I've learned to realize my response phases and started learning a new way. I am a person of faith and prayer has always been one of the healthy responses for me. It has guarded my mind and thoughts from becoming all desperate and empty of hope. And since even sometimes the smallest things can trigger my fear, I've spent countless times wandering around in nature and breathing prayer.

I've learned to talk with my people. Instead of withdrawing from my relationships I've learned to share with my trusted people, that I am afraid. And when I've discussed with them about what I am afraid of my eyes have opened more to see myself as that elephant, who freaks out the mouse, which I many times am.

I've found the way to bring the nature I love and that always soothes my wrecked nerves, around me where I am. Essential oils have become that one more tangible way to remind myself that I am so loved and that love drives out all fear. And that there's no punishment in love. Oftentimes I am more afraid of the negative outcome of something that very rarely happens than I am excited of the most likely positive outcome that usually comes. With certain oils I can shift my thoughts to remember the hope that's hidden even in the most frightening moments.

I've underestimated most of my life the power of sleep as a remedy for fear. As a kid I always went to bed too late. Most of my adulthood I took the time for other things from my sleeping hours. As a response I've seen how fear has been easily fed with the negativity of my tired mind and with the exhaustion of my body. When quite recently, maybe less than a year ago, I heard thoughts from Brendon Burchard about sleep, it shifted my viewpoint radically. If you're looking for a good read, his book High Performance Habits is a gem. Take care of your sleep as well as you can and see what it does to your thought life, emotions and how your body feels.

I could go on and on about a healthy response to fear, so maybe I should write that book. But lastly I want to share one more thought about how you can find what works for you. Get to know your personality type. I love psychology and the study of how our different types of personalities affect our lives. There's tons of resources out there, the color personality theory, Myers Briggs, Enneagram, and so on. Just pick one and start learning about yourself. Learning about the way I and how the people around me function, has taught me a lot and given tools to respond in healthier ways to my fears, big and small.

You're worthy of your own support through life's challenges and it can begin from understanding who you are and how you function when something triggers the fearful side we all have. Facing that side of yourself is nothing to be afraid of. Remember, you're so loved.